


Thank you. For everything.

by toomuchagain



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode: s08e07 A Little Slice of Kevin, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-16
Updated: 2012-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-18 19:12:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/564323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomuchagain/pseuds/toomuchagain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Immediately after Dean disappears through the portal. Immediately after the Purgatory flashback Cas induced ends.</p><p>This happened.</p><p>(Spawned by this tag: "#DO YOU REALIZE THAT THATS THE LAST TIME CAS THINKS HE’S GONNA SEE DEAN EVER??" You know what gifset it accompanies.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thank you. For everything.

Cas bows his head, face crumpling, and allows his grief to wash through him. When this has happened before it only lasts a moment; physically at least. He can pull himself together outwardly. It’s one of the things Dean taught him: Never let it show. He’ll pull it together in a minute because there’s still leviathans after his head. He still has a fight to fight. So he’ll have his moment just for a moment, and get back to the fight.

But it doesn’t work this time.

As he shuts his eyes against the sight of Dean not there, the pure agony of his loss swells, multiplies, rages through him.

It’s a physical pain; he will never see Dean again. Ever. He will never let his fingers clasp on Dean’s shoulder again, never breathe in his scent—gun oil and earth and cheap soap. He’ll never sit beside Dean in his car and listen to the songs he’s heard so many times now he’s started to learn the lyrics. No one will ever say his name like a benediction, like a claim, like a secret, private caress again. Because Dean was the only one who said it like that. He’ll never hear Dean laugh at his own stupid jokes or see that blinding true smile or feel the warmth radiating from his tattered soul.

He will never get to finish counting Dean’s freckles.

The pain doesn’t stop growing, doesn’t stop rolling over him. There’s this gnawing ache in his chest like someone’s compressing his heart down into a singularity and it’s sucking him up from the inside.

Cas falls to his knees. A sob escapes him. It hurts like being exploded. Another comes, and another, and he can’t stop them.

His mouth tastes sharp tangy like a battery. He can’t explain it, but the inside of his mouth and his throat pulse with pain like they’re overstuffed, and excreting weak acid. The sensations terrify him but he can’t stop it because all he can think is  _deandeandeandeandean_. The name, the image, the feel, sound, smell swirling away from him down an endless vertigo tunnel.

Purgatory stops still to observe his anguish. It laps it up, luxuriates in it, folds it back over and around Cas like a blanket. Castiel tugs it tighter around himself, wordlessly gives thanks for it even as it rips him apart.

In Purgatory Cas is broken. Castiel mourns.

_Dean._

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this in tags on tumblr, then it was too long and some were chopped off, then I said fuck it and put it as a comment, and now I'm saying fuck it and just putting it over here.


End file.
